I'm going to try something I haven't done for a while; stream of consciousness. I have no idea how it will turn out, but then again can anyone ever predict the ebb and flow of their mind when they let go of the wheel?
Oh wicked mind, powerful and versatile, yet oh so fickle in nature;
So vitally gifted with the ability to shape all that which is around you;
To manifest change on that which is already, to create from nothing at all;
Why then do you grow relentlessly tired and furiously restless so quickly?
Frantically searching for an outlet for the building pressure, that crushing weight, the need to express;
Each idea scavenged as it floats by, meticulously analyzed and tossed out as unfit;
The building frustration turns to smoldering rage;
Still, no divine spark ignites the inferno that would consume the creeping tension;
Damage control begins as neural bulkheads buckle and toxic thought leaks into every area of the mind;
A desperate grasp for something, anything at all, which might provide some relief;
Will it pass the harshest scrutiny of the self-critic?
Unlikely.
The alternative though?
To quit?
To implode under the stress?
Shame I can't step out for a while and see if the elephant in the room goes away while I'm gone;
Or at least takes a little nap till tomorrow.
As usual, I find myself pulled in seemingly opposing directions. As usual, I have no idea what to really do about it. Nothing can ever just be simple; consequence of not being simple I suppose. I find the idea of the editing of self to be abhorent, but still...there are days I wish I could be a little simpler; to find people I can form a connection with easier, to find comfort in simpler things...simpler entertainment, simpler challenges, simpler experience...to find comfort and belief in the shelter of religion that clearly brings great strength to those who can just take it for granted and not question it. Of course, I wouldn't be me anymore if any of that was true. That's not what my experiences and biology have made me, and it can never be. Still, it might be nice for a day just as a change of pace...
Mostly, I rather wish I had the mental fortitude to let things go without dwelling. It's all well and good to say 'I see this thing that's making me unhappy, so I'm going to choose to not give a fuck about it and stop worrying/dwelling/being upset about it', but if you don't or can't actually compartmentalize it and put it out of your mind, it's not really going to help you. Instead you end up in a shitty mood like some angsty teenager. Nothing against angsty teenagers; you're already dealing with quite enough problems (usually of your own making, but that's part of growing up)...but I'm fucking over 30. I really shouldn't be feeling like that anymore.
I think it's time to go pour a few drinks and slip into unconsciousness for another night...